Musings from some former inhabitants of the sprawling metropolis that is Prudhomme City

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Bad Moon Rising?

So I think something really, really, really bad is about to befall me. But before all of us are swept up into the tidal wave of panic that I'm currently surfing, let me throw out my version of what has transpired, and then you can make your own informed decision.

'Kay. So today I woke up with a real feeling of dread in my stomach. Today, I had already decided, was the day to finish the Christmas shopping. Enough with the lollygagging and procrastinating. Just do it! I said to Myself. Myself replied, F**k that! You know I hate shopping, and you've got like at least five places on that list, b***h! You done lost your mind. Did I mention that Myself speaks poorly, has a potty mouth, and needs a major attitude adjustment? No matter. I bravely put my foot down with Myself. It's now or never, I told Myself. This simply has to be done, so we're doin' it TODAY. To which Myself retorted, "Noooooooooooooooo! Please! Please! We could, we could, we HoHos and watch Judge Judy. C'mon. You know you don't really want to do this. But I was having none of it. I packed up Myself and got in the Vue, and we headed off for stop #1.

Stop #1- The gym
I had an excellent workout while reading an engrossing new novel and was stunned to check the mile counter and see that I had actually walked a mile further (farther? Whatever.) than I usually do. Fantastic! I hopped off the treadmill with a spring in my step, gathered up my crap and took off for the next destination. Myself kept up a steady stream of negativity- You know this is gonna suck, right? Big time. This is gonna end up being like one of Dante's levels of hell. I'm just sayin'. The traffic, the douchebag fellow customers, the grouchy clerks. Ugh, we could be at home right now reading Jezebel posts, but noooooooo! I just hope you're happy. This day is thouroughly f***ed, missy! But I just ignored Myself because I knew what had to be done.

Stop #2- Target
I found a parking spot unusually close to the front door. The day was cool and breezy, quite lovely really, as I strolled through the parking lot. Inside, I got cut off by a cowboy (like for real…the hat, the boots, the dip-the whole nine yards). He promptly backed up his cart and gestured me forward with an "I am so sorry, ma'am! Now you just go on ahead. I'm sorry!" What the f**k is up with George Strait there? Myself remarked. Shut it! I screamed. He was very, very nice! And his butt looked really cute in those Wrangler jeans. Why do Wrangler jeans always make for the cutest butts? What was I saying? Oh, yeah! I've had it! No more from you for the rest of the day. Myself was completely non-plussed and replied, Fine. You're on your own. More power to ya, ungrateful b***ch and disappeared. At checkout, there was a line with only one person in it. I was in and out of Target in record time.

Stop #3 Academy
So near to Target and yet so far what with the abominable traffic and driving habits of people. But not today! Nope. I zipped right on over. Found the two gifts I needed with relative ease, had a nice little chat with the cheery fella who checked me out, and was back in the car in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Hurrah!

Stop #4 Ambassador Row Shopping Center- the post office, Marshalls, and Bed, Bath, and Beyond
Throwing caution to the wind, I entered the post office first. Imagine my surprise upon opening the door to a veritable gingerbread house of happy-happy-joy-joy. People were smiling and laughing. Everyone. The customers, the clerks. Merry Christmases were flying left and right! I was so high on holiday spirit by the time I left that I practically floated over to Marshall's to return Alex's last “project de botched pants”. In and out of Marshall's in mere minutes, I tra-la-la'd over to BBB and had another great experience. Wow! This day is just turning out so freakin' great! I said to Myself. I forgot that I had told her to hit the bricks, so there wasn’t a snarky reply.

Stop #5 The Mall of Acadiana- Coldwater Creek and Limited Too
Bam! Another prime parking spot! Woo-hoo! I sallied into the mall and was greeted and served in record time by a festive and cheery saleslady in Coldwater Creek. Ditto for Limited Too. No people in the mall really. I could walk as fast as I liked and didn't have anyone slowing me down by creeping along in front of me or blocking me with baby carriages. Baby carriages, I thought. I haven't heard a yowling infant or toddler today. Not one. Is that possible? Surely I'm dreaming! But no! It was decidedly so. It had been a day completely free of ear piercing wails. And I had been in Christmas time!

Stop #6 Barnes and Noble
Perused the books for a bit. Found the first book I was looking for fairly easily. But I couldn't find the other. Ugh, customer "service" time. What's this? More smiling, joyous faces? Why no, I don't need you to order that book for me, but thank you so much for offering and for smiling and for being patient when I couldn't remember the full title or author's name and for finding it anyway, and for wishing me a happy holiday with a big fat grin on your face....I love you, happy B&N clerk! Toodle loo now!

Coin Star score! Thirteen whole bucks from that Icee cup full of change that's been sitting in the closet for the past two years. Woot! Off I went to grab some potatoes and a bottle of wine. As I giddily reached for my favorite Merlot, I was blindsided by the memory of that last time I had that sweet nectar within my grasp. How I bought two bottles, tripped in the parking lot, and ended up with a soggy bag of glass bits, smirking stares, and stifled laughter.

And that's when it happened. That’s when I realized that days like this never happen for me. EVER. I’m the chick that trudges across the scalding hot parking lot from the last parking spot only to have some d**khead in the store grab the last of whatever it is that I really wanted, then stand in line behind the lady whose toddler inexplicably turns into something out of The Exorcist as soon as I appear. This lady also happens to have thirty coupons and a price check so by the time I get up there, the clerk, who was already put out, is now hating all of humanity and probably overcharges me just to get her jollies in for the day. That’s me. Not this “best shopping day in the history of the world” person. And it hits me. There will be repercussions for this, right? The Big Guy is probably throwing me a bone before he begins the apocalypse and throws me down into the fiery pits of hell to fry for eternity. Oh. Crap. At that point, I fled. Fully expecting a shelf full of yams and cream of mushroom soup to come crashing down upon me at any moment, I veritably flew out of the door, clutching my precious bottle of Merlot (you better believe I made that purchase!) securely against my chest. But it didn’t end. An employee who was gathering grocery carts yelled out, “Hello, ma’am! How are you? That’s a beautiful smile you’ve got!” as I scurried to my car. Holy macaroni! I thought. I gotta get home and get this wine open! The other shoe is gonna drop, and I will definitely need to be drunk to handle it.

So, my peeps, is this not an omen? Undoubtedly a sign of my impending doom, no? I think so, but I plan to be three sheets to the wind, so I’ll never know what hit me when the washing machine or the oven or the cat blows up as it surely is destined to do.


Todd said...

Ok,I'm scared now.Thank god you live 5000 miles away. Love ya and tell Alex to contact me if something bad happens.

CajunKate said...

5,00o miles away? might be safe. ;)