Musings from some former inhabitants of the sprawling metropolis that is Prudhomme City

Friday, December 12, 2008

Gift Guide for the Haters

by CajunKate

So at this time of year, during my wanderings on the Internets, I'm always coming across the gift guides and/or wish lists of various people. This got me thinking about all gifts that would make me want to lay a roundhouse kick to face of the giver if they ended up under my tree. Why would I do compose such a list? Well, because it's the hap-happiest time of the year, and someone needs to balance this situation with a little snarkiness wrapped in dry wit. Who better than myself, I ask you? Stop saying lots and lots of people! Geez, nobody asked for YOUR snarkiness!

Without further ado, my gift guide for people who hate my f***king guts:

1. Beans. It is well-known fact that I abhor all manner of bean (except green beans). This leaves you with a wide variety with which to torment me- navy beans, red beans, black beans, lima beans... you get the idea. However, if you were a real hater, you would give me refried beans. If my bean hating were a mountain, refried beans would be the apex. And I would promptly hurl myself to my death rather than eat a smidge. Once a year, I eat ONE bean. This happens on New Years Day when I fish out one black-eyed pea from my brother Ted's "Famous Blackeyed Peas and Sausage." I swallow one pea whole and promptly guzzle whatever alcoholic beverage happens to be in my hand. I do this to allow the magical effect of eating blackeyed peas on New Years Day as good luck to take effect. I never get the good luck, which just enhances my loathing of the bean. It's really a tragic cycle with no end in sight.

2. Radio talk show host Deliliah's new book
Love Matters. I'm not even giving a courtesy link to that s**t. I loathe her show with the fire of a thousand suns. If I had to listen to her show once in the rest of my life, it would be one time too many. Her kind of scmaltz has no place in my life...EVER!

3. A Barry Manilow CD. Barry Manilow music makes me want to throw myself into oncoming traffic while gouging out my eardrums with a screwdriver. Stick that in your Copacabana, Barry!

4. A
Sarah Siverman Show DVD. Sarah Silverman is not funny. That's right. I said it. Except for that "I'm F***ing Matt Damon" video. That was pretty funny, but pretty much only because of Matt, yeah, she's not funny. Lots of times I find myself feeling an uncontrollable desire to throw a brick through the TV when I see commecials for her show. I'd pretty much be willing to destroy my husband's massive piece of electronic equipment, source of all his viewing pleasure, to avoid even seeing her face or hearing her annoying voice if it didn't mean he'd cut me off (and by cut me off, I mean sexually, of course . Oops! TMI. My bad.)

5. Tickets to NASCAR. Because that big fence would prevent me from hurling myself on the track to make it all just stop. There are many things I hate about NASCAR, not the least of which would be the ungodly noise of the cars, the inanity of cars going round and round in a circle, and those huge, obnoxious f**king logos on the cars for Wonder Bread and Tide and s**t.

And there you have it. My gift guide for anyone who hates me. Not that such people exist. With such a warm and sunny disposition as mine, who could ever have even a spark of enmity toward little ole me? Stop saying lots of people!


Ted said...

Manilow rules.

CajunKate said...

@ Ted: I can't believe I share genetic material with you.