Musings from some former inhabitants of the sprawling metropolis that is Prudhomme City

Monday, January 21, 2008

Meet Gizmo Bin Laden- Terrorist Cat

So, I've mentioned Gizmo, our cat and in-house terrorist, a few times in this here blog. Several years ago, we appended her name to Gizmo Bin Laden because she would jump out from behind doors and s**t and just randomly attack. Now she's just fat and lazy. I know this because when people come to our house, and Gizzy inevitably waddles into the room to sniff at and annoy our guests, they always say the same thing, D**n, that cat got fat, yo! Except for my mom whose most recent response to her appearance was, Oh my, Gizmo! Your head is too small for your body. Which is just the mom way of saying, Your cat is clinically obese.

This is pretty much Gizmo's schedule:
1. 6:30ish-8:00ish AM- Begin day by trying to trip female caretaker by being underfoot from bedroom to kitchen. Meow annoyingly non-stop while female fixes coffee and loud gibberish comes from the hole in her face. (Translated human mouth noises that occur with regularity: Shut up!- S**t, you almost tripped me!- Da**it, you're killin' me cat!- Shut the h*ll up!) As soon as female sits anywhere, jump on her, meow in her face, and thrust head at hands until she pets me. Continue this for as long as possible.
2. 8:00ish AM- 5:30ish PM- Sleep. Wake up occasionally for bathroom breaks, to watch birds from the back door, to meow some more at female, to demand attention, and to claw *any cloth item of any value whatsoever into oblivion. (* couch, speaker cover on TV, blanket/ comforter, human clothing [preferably male's], curtains, etc.)
3. 5:30ish- 7:00ish PM- Wait for male caretaker to arrive. Meow incessantly until male arrives. As soon as male arrives and sits, jump on him, meow in his face, and thrust head at hands until he pets me. Also, claw shirt so as to destroy it in shortest amount of time possible.
4. 7:00ish- 10:00ish PM- Sleep. Take occasional breaks to watch for the moment when either of the humans sits, jump on them, meow in their faces, and thrust head at hands until he or she pets me.
5. 10:00ish- 11:00ish PM- Follow male. Get underfoot while prepares to lie down in my bed. Once he has, lumber over and drape myself across his stomach and allow him to pet me while I drift off.
6. 11:00ish PM- 6:30ish AM- Sleep. Take occasional breaks to wander through rooms clawing humans' material items to shreds, jump on bed to walk across bodies and heads, burrow under covers, and just generally be sure to wake the humans at least once.
7. 6:30ish AM- Resume previous day's schedule.

I thought some of you may want to check out our fat cat, which, of course, you probably do not...but this is my blog. So there.


I'z shleepy cat

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